The Rolling Stone magazines are piling up on the entry table. The pop station and Pandora are seeing me through. As for singing, I am going back to the standards which make me smile because they can sound so good with little effort. Cooking is mostly done on the grill which is not my domain. Cleaning is limited to emergency and speed pickups. The laundry...well this was my recent Facebook post about that....
"Dear Family, Laundry requires time at home. If I am not home it apparently doesn't get done and put away. So before you walk away in an exasperated huff, throw in a load. Return in 30 minutes to complain, and throw it in the dryer. It is the secret formula I have been using all these years. Love, Me"
A state of noticeable disorder usually comes at a high price of guilt and generates considerable thought garbage. So much guilt that I wouldn't hear my children's laughter. So much thought garbage that I would ignore my husband's jokes. So much guilt and thought garbage I still wouldn't get anything done because I had to think about how bad I felt. With two boys, disorder has been my natural state for the past 8 years which means feeling bad about myself has also been my mental state.
This school year, I came up for air. By mid April, I started anticipating the summer chaos that would disrupt my fragile order. My first instinct when overcome with anxiety and possible disorder is to plan it away. I would cope with free time with safety net of sign ups, lists, trips and camps. However, Alex asked for a summer of nothing. At first this only heightened my panic, but with thought I realized won't the summer go better if he is doing exactly what he wants or in this case doesn't want to do. So, early May they each picked one 3 day camp, and all other brochures were recycled. All guilt went in the bin. I would be the camp director, and I only had one lesson plan. Follow their lead.
There has been plenty of spontaneous outings, playing with friends and even more Spongebob. We are laughing, playing and most of all listening to each other. The clarity and happiness is worth more than all the folded laundry and organized papers time has to offer. There is still plenty of fighting, frustrations (see above post) and anger which comes with too much togetherness. They are kids, so they are immature and still unable to handle these situations, as can be expected from children. My only adjustment is to stop expecting them to be adult.
Yesterday, I was singing along to one of my all time favorite songs, "Float On" by Modest Mouse. I first heard it when my life was at its most disorderly with 2 boys under 2, my husband pushing through a post-doc, and the constant feeling of there was never enough time to right the ship. Six years later, with bowls of ice cream and some pretty impressive chair dancing, the boys and I were able to float past those days and soak up the moment.