It's been a hard day.
Nothing bad happened.
Actually all the bad things have already happened and the clouds are clearing. That is usually when the tidal wave of emotion bowls me over while I'm making note of the sun and catching my breath.
Are the things that have happened life altering and terrible? Absolutely not.
They are common, in fact, all too common.
I have encountered challenging situations in relating to people the last couple weeks. And as the wave of emotion washes over me, I feel angry at myself for my actions and the realization that all of this has happened before. The struggles I encounter, whether with my kids, my husband, family, friends, or coworkers, are a result of patterns I continue to put into play. The people sometimes change, sometimes my reactions change but the instances that mushroom into "issues" are usually due to my reacting with my tried and true patterned behavior. If the old adage is true that life will continue to present these challenges to allow you the opportunity to correct it then I must be failing the test...every time.
This vent/post is less about what my patterns are but rather how to overcome them. Or do I overcome them? I try to embrace bad times and challenging situations, because I believe they are opportunities for growth. And I have read enough pop psychology that I can only control my reaction...right? Well, when I try different reactions I am still walking away with a raging fire in my belly to duke it out. Frustrated and tired of wasting my precious moments of life over thinking conversations and tense encounters, I want to solve the riddle of my patterns.
Life is good.
I have many gifts which included great people, encounters, experiences, etc. If this is my biggest struggle, then I guess I need to step into the ring and take the knocks I need to move past these patterns. Or at the very least learn to embrace them and the various people they bring into my life. One thing I have begun to notice, is there is a commonality in the people I have struggled with over the years. And if I am really honest with myself there are elements of my own personality that I don't like which I am irritated by. Such a cruel deja vu experience.
So, am I unfairly judging them because I am hard on myself?
I can see that disentangling the person I am having trouble with from my patterns may be my quickest path to compassion. Now I just need to accept my demons are part of the journey and keep eye on the bigger picture...To enjoy as much of this crazy ride on this Earth.
